Official Jokes Thread: just looking for good ones

**BadMagick** · February 13th, 2004, 05:55 PM

Guy walks into a bar, says "Ouch!"
----
We have drinks in 4 sizes - small, medium, large, and my *****

**GreenLantern** · February 13th, 2004, 06:59 PM

There is a little blind girl. One night says to her mother "Mom, I don't want to be blind anymore" The mom says "well honey, tommorow is a special day. If you pray really hard, when you wake up you won't be blind."

The girl is very excited show goes to bed extra early, and prays really hard. She falls alseep praying.

When she wakes up she is so excited she doesn't open her eyes, she runs down stairs (she's blind, she's good at running with her eyes closed) and says "mommy, I'm getting ready to open my eyes and see"

She opens here eyes, and says "mommy I can't see!" The mom says "I know, April Fools!"

**brownie** · February 13th, 2004, 07:53 PM

What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head?

Brenda

**nobody** · February 13th, 2004, 07:56 PM

hahaha brownie that was awesome

**Laslett** · February 14th, 2004, 11:29 AM

A guy walks into a bar sits down and orders 5 tequilas. the Bar man pours the drinks and the guy starts to down them. The barman comes across and asks why the five drinks, to which the guy I just had my first BJ. The barman says oh ok well in that case have a drink on the house. The guy replys if 5 doesn't take the taste away another one wont.

**BadMagick** · February 14th, 2004, 11:36 AM

A guy sit down in a bar, has a few drinks. He's getting tipsy, asks the tender if he wants to hear a Polock joke. The bartender shakes his head no.

A few more drinks later, the man says, "Are you sure you don't want to hear it?! It's a good one!" And the tender again tells him no.

Finally after a few more beers, this man is smashed, and he said, "It's the best friggin' Polock joke you'll ever hear!" The bartender leans over and says, "Look pal - That guy down there (points to a huge man) is a Polock, this guy Joe (points to another huge guy down the other end of the bar), he's one too. And you know what? I'm a Polock too! You sure you want to tell this joke?!"

The guy looks at the two men and back at the bartender and says, "No ... I don't want to have to repeat myself so many times."

**morse** · February 14th, 2004, 03:40 PM

Originally posted by brownie
What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head?

Brenda

hahahahahahaha

**andr.in** · February 14th, 2004, 04:31 PM

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
----------
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
----------
original: http://www.zestyjokes.com

**SeiferTim** · February 14th, 2004, 04:37 PM

Error 678! Error 678! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOO!!!!

**Laslett** · February 14th, 2004, 04:44 PM

Originally posted by Syko
12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
----------
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
----------
original: http://www.zestyjokes.com

Are you mad. This is like the worst set of ideals I have ever known
you must slap yourself now

**dropkick** · February 14th, 2004, 04:51 PM

#include "win31.h"

#include "win95.h"

#include "win98.h"

#include "workst~1.h"

#include "evenmore.h"

#include "oldstuff.h"

#include "billrulz.h"

#include "monopoly.h"

#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

void main()

{

  while(!CRASHED)

{

display_copyright_message();

display_bill_rules_message();

do_nothing_loop();

if (first_time_installation)

{

  make_50_megabyte_swapfile();

  do_nothing_loop();

  totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();

  search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();

  make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();

  disable_Netscape();

  disable_RealPlayer();

  disable_Lotus_Products();

  hang_system();

}

write_something(anything);

display_copyright_message();

do_nothing_loop();

do_some_stuff();

if (still_not_crashed)

{

  display_copyright_message();

  do_nothing_loop();

  basically_run_windows_3.1();

  do_nothing_loop();

  do_nothing_loop();

}

if (detect_cache())

  disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())

{

  set_wait_states(lots);

  set_mouse(speed, very_slow);

  set_mouse(action, jumpy);

  set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); }

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */

/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */

/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */

printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

if (system_ok())

  crash(to_dos_prompt)

else

  system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp",O_CREATE);

while(something)

{

  sleep(5);

  get_user_input();

  sleep(5);

  act_on_user_input();

  sleep(5);

)

create_general_protection_fault();