Bad Jokes

[urbanscrawl]

There's nothing funnier than those short, unfunny jokes - I heard this one the other day:

A man was found dead recently, covered in chocolate sprinkles.

The police think he topped himself.

[turkey]

Two peanuts were walking down an alley.
One was a salted.

[DariusMonsef]

2 peanuts walk down a dark ally.

One was cashew.

[turkey]

lol

[DariusMonsef]

ah son of a bii.. by a few seconds, anyway we must be two funny guys.

[Voetsjoeba]

6 people were killed during a car accident. Three at the accident and three at the replication.

[Cello]

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the
reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing "The green, green grass of home.""
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially
inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before.

A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet and asks, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can
do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on
the top shelf. He said, "No bet, the steaks are too high."

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't; I've cut your arms off."

I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

[Kitiara]

A mate of mine fell in love with a couple of schoolbags.
We think he's bi-satchel.

I was telling my mate about how I went to Paris the other day.
He said "Eurostar?"

I said "Well, I've been on TV a few times, but I'm no Julia Roberts."

I saw a man in a bar the other day chatting up a cheetah.
I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one.'

[Cello]

Two elephants fall off a cliff.

Boom, boom.

[Kitiara]

Two fish in a tank.
One says "So how do you drive this thing??"

[Cello]

Three men walk into a bar.

You'd think that one of them would've seen it.

[Kitiara]

A battery and a firework were arrested the other night after causing a fight.
The police charged one, but let the other off.

[Cello]

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

[Kitiara]

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

[Cello]

It's strange, isn't it? You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Looks like Kit and I have found a rich seam of Tommy Cooper - it could be a long day - there's more, lots more!

[Kitiara]

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.
I can hardly contain myself.

I can keep this up for hours. :evil:

[Cello]

Me too ;)

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

[Kitiara]

The other day I sent my boyfriend a huge pile of snow.
I rang him up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

[Cello]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

[Kitiara]

Already had that one! You're out. :evil:

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.
He's a catholic converter.

[Cello]

Oh, bug*er!

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

[Kitiara]

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins on the M25 today.
I thought "That's a turtle disaster."

[Cello]

You know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again?

Well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

[Kitiara]

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller."
He said "Not you again."

[Cello]

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

[Kitiara]

Strike two! Had that one before as well! :P

So I was on a date the other night. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot."
I said "I'll take that as a condiment."

[Cello]

Oh, double bug*er! Hmmph; and I posted em both!

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think its Colin.

[Kitiara]

Quite a little double act we have going here. :)

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it."
He said "Those are pickled onions".

[Cello]

We have indeed :) lol - the Morecombe and Wise of the third millenium? ('cept ur a girl! naturally ;) )

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

[turkey]

Mommy Tomato, Daddy Tomato and Baby Tomato are walking through the forest together. Baby is walking too slow so Daddy kicks Baby and says KETCHUP!!!

[Kitiara]

Clearly, we rock. :)

I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.
One jar.

[Cello]

Let rock some more then :) ...

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

[Kitiara]

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds."
I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

[Cello]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[turkey]

Two guys were eating at a restaurant together. One was reading a magazine and saw an ad that said "Drink Metamucil and feel young again!!" He showed his buddy and said, "Hey, I'd love to feel young again!" His buddy said "Me too!", so they ordered a glass of Metamucil. The first guy asked his buddy, "Feel young yet?" His friend said, "Nope". The other guy said, "me neither". After ordering about 5 more glasses and asking each other this after each glass, one friend told the other, "I don't feel young but ****, did I do something childish!"

[Kitiara]

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants.
It was Wedgie Kray.

[Cello]

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

[turkey]

A pig and an ant walk in to a store. The clerk stares at them and says, "Is this a joke or what?"

[Kitiara]

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?"
He said "OK then."
I said "Nearest to the bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo."
He said "You're closest".

[turkey]

What did the monkey say when he mowed over his tail?
It won't be long now!!

[Cello]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan".

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[turkey]

This dumb high school kid went to the bathroom and saw someone writing chicken on the wall. He went and told the principal. The principal said, "Don't EVER say that again *******!!!!" and expelled him. He went home and told his parents he got expelled. They asked why and he said, "I saw someone writing chicken on the bathroom wall". His dad said, "Don't EVER say that again *******!!!!" and kicked him out of the house. Now the dumb kid had no home so he went to join the Army. During his interview the interviewer asked him why his dad kicked him out of his hous. The kid said, "I told my dad that I saw someone writing chicken on the bathroom wall." The interviewer said, Don't EVER say that again, *******!!!" and rejected the dumb kid. So the kid was walking away and was run over by Kit.
Moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the road.

[Cello]

Kit! Kit! Wherefore are thou?

I doth diest an anguished death without thee by my side with thy mirth and merriment. The silence doth deafen me...

Life without thee is like a broken arrow; pointless. http://www.betsytaylor.co.uk/kirupa/boohoo.gif

Thou canst have lost thy stamina - say it is not so, sweet Kit, I beseech thee!

[Kitiara]

Aww. :) I'm back, just had to go do some of this 'work' thing that they pay me for. :beam: Anyway...

A guy walks into a bar and says, "I think I've heard this one before!"

[Cello]

Phew - that was close! Was about to down some Hemlock... whilst writing a sonnet in thy honour, of course ;)

I slept like a log last night: I woke up in the fireplace.

[Kitiara]

You know, I heard that the majority of people's of deaths happen in the 25 miles nearest their house.
So I moved.

[Cello]

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.

I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'

He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

[Voetsjoeba]

What's the difference between an apple and an orange ?

You can eat an apple but you can eat an orange.

[Soul]

Originally posted by Kitiara
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
Dohhh :P:P

[Kitiara]

It's a classic. :beam:

Though of course, some of us don't need lessons. :P

[Cello]

They're all classics :)

Bad Kit - you know you'll only break asph and soul into a sweat ;)

Next! hehe

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'

I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

Kit - your avatar is doing things; first changes to photo, has now gone to lineart! Where is it all leading... ?

[senocular]

man says to his shrink, "Im having these awful dreams. One night Im a wigwam, and the other Im a teepee!" Doctor replies, "I see you're problem, you're too tents".


Two nuns in the bath together. One asks "wheres the soap?" The other responds with "Yes, it does, doesnt it"


What happens when a blue dinosaur jumps in the red sea?
It gets wet.


Whats the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
you can unscrew the lightbulb


How many [insert stereotype here]'s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
3, 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 2 to turn the ladder.

[Kitiara]

How many web designers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I'm not changing a bloody thing, now get out of here. :P

Just playing with the avatar. :) I'm sticking with this one for the moment, fancied a change. :)

[Cello]

Bloomin aida - she's done it again :)

me sides have split - okay, okay, stop Kit, please stop.

YOU WIN!! *gasps for breath*

s'nice - like the strong diagonal - altogether very striking :)

[Kitiara]

I love that joke. it's just so true. :) And I can get away with it because I am one. :beam:

Thankee... I'm working on a new footer to match. :) Going to keep the current one in storage though. :)

[Cello]

I'll look forward to seeing it - you've made me think I should maybe sort one out for me...

:) yup, still have split sides :)

[Kitiara]

OK, don't normally do this kind of joke, but...

Three men had been stuck on an island for ten years.
Just when they ran out hope, one of the men found a magic lamp.

The first man wished to be 10% smarter, and then he was able to make a fire and send morse code smoke signals for help.

The second one wished to be 25% smarter, and suddenly he knew how to build a sturdy raft capable of getting them all off the island.

Then the third man wished to be 50% smarter, and he turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

[Cello]

Oh dear, oh dear...

She was declared winner and she still did it...

*puts on flack jacket ready for incoming*

Note to mods - please observe I'm resisting temptation and distancing myself from the future of this thread. ;)

[Kitiara]

Fair enough, no more jokes like that. :P

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[asphaltcowboy]

right time to unleash my supreme wit *cough* lol *cough* ;)


A man walks into a bar. There's a really short guy playing the piano, so the man walks over to the bar, orders his drink and says "so what's the the short guy on the piano?". The barman replies, "well I've got this magic lamp? It has a genie and everything! wanna try it?"

"Sure" says the man. So the barman brings out the lamp and hands it to the man. The man rubs the lamp and out comes a genie.

"I want a million bucks!" exclaims the man. Suddenly, the room is filled with a million ducks. "What the hell is going on? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!?"

"Yeah, that's the problem you see.. the genie's a little hard of hearing" replied the barman. "Oh," said the man, "so what did you wish for?"


"well I certainly didn't wish for a 10-inch pianist!"

[Kitiara]

Alright, you've driven me to this one. :bad: If it's deemed too racy, I'll delete. :)

A guy walks into a bar with a cat and an ostrich. The two animals choose a table and sit down while the guy goes up to the bar and orders a round of drinks. As he does so, the cat looks up and yells "I'm not paying for them!" The man hands over the money for the beers, takes them back to the table, and they drink up.

When they're done, the man walks over to the bar and gets another round in. Again, the cat shouts out "I'm not buying!" The man ignores the protests, takes the drinks and sits back down.

The third time he buys the beers, the barman (who's been watching this for some time now) gets up the courage to ask the man what's going on with the two animals.

"It's a strange story" says the man. "I found a magic lamp, rubbed it and a genie appeared. He said he's grant me a wish."

The barman is still puzzled. "So what did you wish for?" he asks.

"Ah..." says the man. "You see, I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight *****."

[asphaltcowboy]

hhahahah :beam:

[Soul]

:beam::beam:

[senocular]

the previous joke kind of takes away from this ones thunder ;)

[Kitiara]

Ahhh, bite me. :) I'm allowed one rubbish joke after the quality humour I have produced this afternoon. :P

I should have been a stand up comedian. :)

[Cello]

What are you like ;)

You clearly have missed your vocation... !

[Kitiara]

Hehe, and who says women can't tell jokes? :P

[VisualAid]

lol funny joke Kit :P

I got a joke for you all.

What d you call a woman with a slate on her head?




















Ruth!

[nheet]

A three legged dog walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says,

"I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."
lol

[Cello]

To quote the fine Kit; ' ha, you're out!' We've had that one!
:)

[nheet]

Two guys are talking to each other. One man pulls out a picture of his brother and says,
"Do you know my brother? He workes at a restaraunt. He's the guy that rings the little bell when a table is ready for a group of people, but he doesn't have any arms so he has to bang his head on it to make it ring."
Then the other man says,
"his face rings a bell."
lol

[urbanscrawl]

Kit I am most impressed - where did you spring all of those from, god I love jokes like that, so...

This guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor doctor, I've suddenly got five *****es."

Doc says "My god man, how do your pants fit?"

Man says "Like a glove."

- better still -

A girl goes to a bar and asks the barman for a Double Entendre

So he gives her one.

:thumb: :thumb:

[Kitiara]

Where did I get them from?

Too many Saturday afternoons spent in The Cricketers pub after football with mates who think they're comedy geniuses. :P

[cool blue]

ANOTHER JOKE



A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill out his schedule. The only one available was Wildlife Zoology. After one week the professor gave the class a test. He passed out a sheet of paper divided into squares.
In each square was a carefully drawn picture of some bird legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. The student sat and stared at the test and got more and more angry.
Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever taken." The teacher looked up and said, "Young man, you have flunked this test. What is your name?" The student pulled up his pant-legs and showed the professor his legs
and replied, "You tell me!"