Monty Python Quotes!

[dansflash2001]

"She turned me into a newt!"
"A newt?"
"I got better"

-Monty Pyhon and the Holy Grail

-Dan :|

[ilyaslamasse]

Life of Brian

Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg: @#%$ off! We're the People's Front of Judea !

pom 0]

[sodium15]

"why i never"

[sodium15]

"YOU MOTHER WAS A HAMPSTWER AND YOUR FATHER SMLET OF ELDGER BERRIES"

[zammarz]

Man: You sit here, dear.
Wife: All right.
Man: Morning!
Waitress: Morning!
Man: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam...
Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...
Vikings: Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife: Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Wife: I don't want ANY spam!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam... (Crescendo through next few lines...)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife: I don't like spam!
Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings: (Singing elaborately...) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!

[Phil Jayhan]

Tis only a flesh wound.

[dansflash2001]

"What floats in water?"
"Oil!"
"Very small rocks!"
"A duck"

-Dan :|

[upuaut8]

"You must go to the tallest tree in the forest and cut it down wiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeth a herring."

[Phil Jayhan]

We want a shrubbery! A nice one at that, not too tall, not too short or wide, but just right. And it must be a white shrubbery.

Where are we to get such an oddity in the Forest?

Go and see..........................Roger the shrubber.

pj
:x

[upuaut8]

"well how did you become king then?"

"The lady of the lake, her arms clad in shimmering Semite, held aloft Excalibur, signifying that I Arthur should be king."

"Listen. Strange ladies lying in pools distributing swords is no basis for government...."

"shut up!"

"...Supreme executive power comes from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony...."

"SHUT UP!"

"...Suppose I said I was emperor just cause some watery tart lobed a scimitar at me, why they'd lock me away."

[I am not Jubba]

"Let me go back and face the peril!"

[upuaut8]

"no it's much too perilous."

[zammarz]

We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our grave singing Haleleuia .

[upuaut8]

"What is your name?"

"Arthur, king of the Britons."

"What is your quest?"

"I seek the holy grail"

"What is the average wind speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"African or European?"

"Why.... I don't know that.... AAAHHHHHHHHhhhh!!!!!!!!"

[sodium15]

this is'int a quote i just loved the coconuts in the holy grail
muahahaha

[upuaut8]

"Well where did you get the coconuts then?"

"We found them."

"In Mercia??!!"

[upuaut8]

"In the winter food was scarce and they were forced to eat Sir Robin's minstrels...... and there was much rejoicing."

[upuaut8]

"That's no ordinary rabit."

"What??!!!"

"Ees got huge pointy teeth.."

"Alright.. go and cut it's head off."

"Right!!"

(rabbit leaps into the air and bites the mans head off.)

"Holy Cripes.. that rabbit's dynamite!"

[upuaut8]

"You are not our King.. we are French types."

"What are you doing in England?"

"Mind your own business."

[Phil Jayhan]

Oh, Sir Robin, spank me I've been bad.
NO, SPANK ME!
No, spank me please, I have been very naughty.

pj
the neverending Camelot

[upuaut8]

"And after the spankings..... the oral @#%$."

"Well perhaps I could stay just a little while."

[Phil Jayhan]

Brave, brave, Sir Robin, Sir Robin is so brave--
He'll cut off their arms and chop off their heads...


pj

[upuaut8]

"those responsible for sacking the ones responsible for sacking the one's responsible.. have been sacked."

[Phil Jayhan]

It was an exceedingly cold winter and Sir Robin was forced to eat his minstrels in order to survive.

pj
:p

[kirupa]

MONTY PYTHON & THE HOLY GRAIL
Arthur approaches an isolated castle guarded by soldiers

S : Where'd you get the coconuts?
A : We found them.
S : Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
A : What do you mean?
S : Well, this is a temperate zone.
A : The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
S : Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
A : Not at all. They could be carried.
S : What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
A : It could grip it by the husk!
S : It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
A: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
S : Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
A: Please!
S : Am I right?
A : I'm not interested!
S : It could be carried by an African swallow!
S : Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
S : Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
A: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
S : But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.
S : Oh, yeah...
S : So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...

I got that from another Web site :( I'm definitely going to watch MP sometime :)

Cheers,
Kirupa

[upuaut8]

The quest for the holy grail is by far one of the best movies ever made.

[Phil Jayhan]

King Arthur; I am Arthur, King of the Britains; May I speak to your Lord?

French CastleKeeper; We don't have a Lord
(Speaking to his friend, I told him we don't have a Lord... snickers)

What do you mean you have no Lord? What kind of Castle has no lord? Where is he?

Then comes the coconut lines Kirupa mentioned.

French Castle Keeper; Your Mother was a hamster and your Father smelt of Elderberries, now go away you silly English Ka-nig-it (knight) before I taunt you a second time.

[lobstars]

I'm happy to know that you all take pleasure from British Humour :) :)
Python's been a bit of an upbringing!
said the wafer thin mint, heeewwwwww someone's gotta have seen that?

[upuaut8]

you got that one wrong phil..

He says,

"Ask your lord if he will join us on our quest to find the holy grail."

"eh.. I will ask him, but I don't think e will be too keen on the idea.. we already got one."

aside to the other frenchman..

<snicker> "I told em we've already got one."


No offense.. it's just one of my favorite exchanges from the movie.. so I gotta correct it. :)

[Phil Jayhan]

It's funnier your way. My memory sucks on this stuff. I should find a monty page so I quote correctly, your polite rebuke is kindly accepted...

pj
:p

"My name is......... TIM,the Sorcerer....(as he throws a fire ball, Arthur and his fellows timidly clap and smile queerly in the background)

[upuaut8]

I think that you can buy the movie for 9.99 now. It's well worth every penny. Glad you didnt' take offense :)
(truth to tell.. I was thinking about it and I think I got a couple of words wrong in that quote.. I guess none of our memories are perfect.. It's the spirit that counts.. like this one)

"I'm the black knight.. I'm invincible."

"You're a bloody fruit that's what you are....Right!, We'll call it a draw."

"Oh yeah.. run away then. Come back here you, I'll bite your kneecaps off."

[dansflash2001]

(King Arthur chops off the Black Knight's arm)
(The Black Knight kicks King Arthur)
"I cut your arm off!"
"No you didn't"
"Then what's that then?"
"Tis a flesh wound!"

-Dan :|

[liveacoustic]

Y'know, Monty Python made things OTHER than the Holy Grail...

Not to berate you, of course - I realise that you weren't expecting the Spanish Inquistion.

But, then... Nobody expects the spanish inquisition!!

[sodium15]

ya did'nt they have a tv series in england for a while ? thats what i heard on the streets

[Phil Jayhan]

Come back here so I can bite you to death!


pj
:p